Today I understand why suicide rates are the highest at this time of year.  I never thought it would bother me to be on my own but today I question why I brought 4 children into this world, gave them the tools to be good, productive individuals and tried to protect them from a man that, although I knew he wasn’t the best, would have beaten them if I hadn’t stepped in.

Two days ago was my birthday.  All I received from these 4 children was basically indifference, also known as the opposite of love.  Today is Thanksgiving and I have received nothing from these children except for a response from 2 of them when I sent them a Thanksgiving text.  I have not received a phone call or an inquiry as to what I might be doing today or on my birthday or I am actually doing.  Instead, these children of mine, are spending the day with the man that I protected them from.  

I spent more than half my life creating Thanksgiving and Christmas meals and traditions that they are now sharing with a man that could have cared less for them when they were growing up and his wife.  My recipes, my traditions are being shared with people that don’t actually deserve to eat food that well made with the children I raised.  

I would love to know where I went wrong that my children can’t love and respect me enough to at least call and see how I’m doing during what I consider to be my only favorite holiday.  I wonder if they would actually miss me if I were to leave this world today.

Today I am sad.

I suppose I’ve been a bit MIA for a good long time.  I have tons of reasons for not writing but the biggest was I left Wisconsin and spent some time camping in a few states.  I also took some time to catch up with friends from high school and one of my sisters that I haven’t seen in years.

My camping trip was amazing!  The dogs and I spent a couple of nights in the Pink Coral Sand Dunes. The days were beautiful and the nights were cold and the dogs got so tired walking in the soft sand.  They would both crawl under the blankets at night and we would all be warm and cozy even though the inside of the tent was completely frost covered.

After Utah we hit Arizona but because we couldn’t build fires we didn’t stay very long.  Hell, we couldn’t even build a fire to make dinner! We packed up and headed to New Mexico and spent a few days at the top of a mountain in the Gila National Forest.  The camp ground we found had hot spring pools that were cleaned and drained every night.  Because of the location it was a gated camp ground and the woman that owns it screens her guests. I met some great folks from Alaska and the owner’s Mother.  During the evenings we would sit around talking and decide who would use the springs first. I usually did because I woke up earlier than anyone else staying at the campground.  A little glass of wine and off I would go to soak under the stars.

My camping is done for the short term and I have landed in Boulder with my mom and a different sister.  I don’t know how long I will stay here but for now it’s comfortable and I love being able to hang with my mom and sister.

Keep watching for new posts as it’s time to get back to writing!

http://mmcribbs.theneriumlook.com/

So far this year all I can say is ….. JEEZ! It has been nothing short of crazy.  I think it is time for me to re-group and re-coup.  Now, I could bullet point all the items that have happened~some good, some bad, but most of it is all history and although it shapes me, it does not define me.  I can chose to let it be a problem and consume me or I can use it as a learning tool.  Since looking back has really never done anything for me other than to cause me to make the same mistakes I made before I think that I shall look forward and forward looks pretty good.

Since my last post I have done quite a bit of research regarding how to maintain optimum health and although HIV is some scary shit my daughter and I have found a number of alternative health programs that will help to keep her off of medication for as long as possible.  With my doing the research for her she is able to keep her stress level down and she can concentrate on her spiritual health.  Since I’m not good at sitting still and allowing something like HIV to win doing research helps me.  Kind of a win~win situation for my daughter and me.

Although I might still miss Mark his timing couldn’t have been better to launch me under the bus.  I don’t really have time to be involved with someone so I am now able to direct my energies where they need to be.  Could you see dating someone when you knew that your child needed you? Not me!

The best part of re-group/re-coup is that I get to go whole hog on this paleo diet and see where it can actually take me.  Good healthy food, exercise and getting outside to play in the sun.  So simple and yet we really don’t do it enough.  We get so involved with all of our little gadgets and technology and we forget the basics.  I’m thinking a little time doing the basics things in life will be a great break from all this technology and a break I need.  I think I see a camping trip in my very near future.

It’s good to look forward.

I can honestly say that I hate the last couple of days before I leave for a trip that I am really excited to go on.  I get so antsy and I keep forgetting what day it actually is because I want to leave so badly.  Today as I was driving from one job to the next I kept thinking it was Thursday.  Then I realized it is only Wednesday and I still have one more day of work and swim lessons (I might not have mentioned that I teach swimming as well as my other jobs) before I can pack the car and get the heck out of town.

If you were to walk into my house today you would see nothing but camping gear spread out all over the house along with snorkeling equipment, rain gear, dry bags for the kayak.  I swear it looks like Gander Mountain exploded in my living room!  Once I get home tonight I will go through the entire mass of gear and decide what I really need to take with me. 

Tonight will be consumed with not only going through the gear but getting the food ready to go and pre-cooking what I can for lunches.  With my doing the paleo diet I can’t just walk into any old gas station and grab something so I have to think about the food I am taking and how well it will travel.  My friend decided that she wouldn’t mind eating the same as I do so she is bringing all the fresh veggies and fruit and I am bringing the protein end of things.  I decided to take some chicken breasts and freeze them in marinade for Saturday’s dinner with enough for lunch the next day.  I am also going to make some feta stuffed burgers for lunch on Friday while on the water.  

Now since it is Wisconsin, I don’t care what part of the state you’re in, Friday night is fish fry night~it’s a religion here.  So we will be going out for fresh caught (that day!) White Fish and since I can have what is called “poor man’s lobster” which is fish that is boiled without breading and stick with fresh veggies and a salad I will be good for Friday night dinner out.  Sunday’s breakfast will be the only tough day as everyone wants to go to the Egg Toss restaurant in Bayfield.  Not much on their menu I can eat but I’m sure I can figure something out.

Now, if you will excuse me, I find that I need to duct tape my ass into my chair and get some work done!

This weekend I am heading north (yes, there is something North of where I live!) to do some kayaking and camping.  To some this might not seem all that exciting or interesting but for me this is a well needed break from my real life.  A fairly large group of us are going to kayak the sea caves on Lake Superior and then check out the ship wrecks with a ferry ride out to Madeline Island for an evening of fun at Tom’s Burnt Down Cafe.  I will be camping overlooking Lake Superior, cooking out and enjoying the simpler things in life.  And right now this is something that I really feel I need.

This was supposed to be a trip that Mark and I were going to do together but literally within 24 hours of him breaking things off a friend asked if I would be interested in going with her on the trip.  Initially I said no as I still felt down  but after having thought about how I shouldn’t give up on seeing something I really wanted to see because I couldn’t go with Mark I called her and said yes.  Although I can’t share this with Mark I think it is more of something that I need to do for me.  I have always wanted to see the sea caves in the summer months as I have seen them in the winter and they are amazing.  I have only seen pictures of the sea caves during the summer months and I really want to experience them during the summer.  I have also always wanted to see the ship wrecks located outside of Bayfield as well so how could I turn down the chance to do something that I have wanted to do for so many years.  Besides, it’s on my bucket list.

So, I’m off to play on the Big Lake with some wonderful people and see things that I have always wanted to see.  The picture you see is of the sea caves in winter.  I was with some of my favorite friends and my youngest.  ImageImageImage

Well, I have started work on my non-profit organization for victims of domestic abuse.  I am actually really excited and so far I have gotten tremendous amounts of positive feedback on the basic principles.  If I can save one person from ever having to go back to their abuser because they didn’t have a place to live once they were told they had to leave a shelter then I think that I was a success.  Hopefully this is an organization that will go national and with a little community spirit we will be able to keep these people from ever becoming a victim of abuse again and they will have a reliable income to sustain themselves and their families.

Now, let’s all cross our fingers and hope for a quick sale on my current home.  Once my home is sold I will be using my alternative building product home that I will be building as the model for my non profit organization.

Wish me luck!

Today I intend to work on getting my peace back.  Any break up is hard and for me a break up disrupts my inner peace.  When my inner peace is not where it should be I find that I don’t walk the dogs, skip my yoga practice and can’t seem to focus on much of anything.  I also find that small, little triggers cause me to remember things that we had done together or plans we had made.  It makes for a lot of tears and tons of time wasted sitting on my butt.

Today I am re-claiming my inner peace!  I don’t care how hot it is when I get home, I’m going to walk the dogs down to the lake for a swim~all 3 of us!  Then I will work them on their obedience and then I will do my yoga.  I will make myself a wonderful dinner and eat by candle light and appreciate what I will create for myself.  This part is hard but with some really wonderful friends and some of my own strength I will move forward and allow myself to grow.

Oh how I wish I could turn off my emotions and behave more like a man. Men seem to be able to turn off their emotions and just walk away. They never seem to feel that their partner deserves some kind of an explanation and that they are within their rights to just say something lame and hateful and just walk out.

Today I will allow myself to be sad and then I will move on.

I’ve been working with the no shampoo, or no ‘poo’ thing for about 2-3 weeks now and I have to say that I am extremely impressed. After a very short adjustment period my hair has gotten softer and more manageable but I found that I was still using over the counter gels and hair fixatives which I’m sure are not that great for your hair and loaded with chemicals.

I did a little research and found that I could make my own hair gel and hair spray using normal household products. I’m only on day 1 with the new gel and spray but again, I’m extremely impressed.

I have very fine curly hair and I don’t want something that is going to weigh down my hair or pull the curl out and so far this new regime has actually made my hair more curly without any frizz and the ends don’t feel dry. The gel doesn’t make my hair stiff or crunchy which is another bonus.

I think I like this old school hair care!

So I got to thinking about how things have changed for me since I started this whole Paleo diet thing and to be honest the changes for me have been tremendous!  

The first thing that I have noticed is my upper body strength has improved.  We all know that as we age we lose upper body strength and I was noticing that I just didn’t have a lot of strength anymore.  After the holidays (paleo for about 2 months) I noticed that spending a couple of hours with the 8# ax splitting oak firewood was quite a bit easier.  After that I noticed my yoga practice was becoming more solid and stronger.  My balance was and still is lousy but the paleo diet never said it would make me capable of standing on one foot for any length of time.  Next I noticed that I was making better choices when it came to my outside play.  Winters are long this far north and getting outside in the winter is about the only thing that keeps me from going stir crazy.  The dogs and I were able to do lots of winter snowshoe hikes and I was able to keep up training while hiking.  

The absolute best part so far has been the fact that my cellulite is less.  Now, I’ve said this was never about weight loss but who is going to complain about losing cellulite?  Not me!