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I just came to understand that I am an amazing person.  If I sit back and look at all the things that I have done over my life I ROCK!  I have helped one of my children correct an issue with her jaw through the help of Shriner’s Hospital while going through an extremely intense divorce and then later, after the surgery and things weren’t healing correctly and Shriner’s had pretty much shut her down,  I again went to bat for her and got the situation taken care.  When my youngest was diagnosed Type 1 I worked with her to overcome the false truth that her father had told the doctors about her being bulimic and helped her to re-build her health until her father decided that she should live with her oldest sister (that one I couldn’t stop and have paid a high price for not fighting harder for her).  I have helped to promote my friends that had businesses just through word of mouth and have watched them create some amazing magic and wealth in their lives.  I have helped friends who found themselves in a domestic violent situation by creating a “pass the hat” fund that would be matched by our employer so that they could move on with a little cushion and when people aren’t feeling well they come to me and ask what they can do naturally or organically to improve their health.

I’ve proven to myself that I am truly an amazing person and yet all of those things I do for others I am not able to do for myself.  Maybe because of my life growing up or maybe because of how I allowed things to go during my marriage…who knows but now things have to change!

I have thoughts, ideas and my hands on products that are amazing and yet I haven’t shared these things with anyone.  I’ve kept them to myself for fear of what?  Rejection….I’ve lived that so why does that scare me?  People would laugh at me?  Again, those that have been closest to me have done that and in some cases still do.  I’m still here and only my ego has been hurt.  I’m not my ego, I’m so much more than that and so now things are going to change!  I am going to share my thoughts and my ideas and my wonderful products and I’m doing this because it is time for me to do for me what I have done for so many others…..I will create magic in my life!

Let’s start with a little about me.  I call myself a survivor because I was married to a man that believed in verbal, emotional and physical abuse for 23 years.  Not only did he believe in abuse but he also felt that having a number of different women was also something he should be allowed to do.

Although he told me that he would leave me penniless on the side of the road if I ever left him I finally did.  Leaving was the easy part; living through the divorce process was HELL!  My ex-husband dragged the process out over the course of years, making our children chose sides and putting them in the middle.  I could never understand why he dragged our divorce out so long~it wasn’t as if we had money.  All we had was a house and a business that was losing money every day.  I do know that he felt that he could control me by dragging out the divorce for so long but somewhere during the course of  those years I developed the strength to laugh when he would threaten me or just not answer his phone calls even though he would call sometimes as many as 45 times in an hour.

Surviving those 25-26 years of marriage and divorce was nothing compared to what he is doing now.  Currently he is trying to tear the family apart and I can see no way to stop him.  I am sure that once I no longer hurt I will figure something out but for now I hurt, I’m sad and no mother should ever feel the way I feel about 2 of my children.

My oldest has always wanted her father to recognize her, to see her for who she really is and to appreciate her.  In all her years he never has and has always compared her to her siblings-“Kelsey is so smart. Why aren’t you smart like her?”, “Rylan is so good at sports.  When are you going to learn to play a real sport?  Not that dancing/singing shit you do.”  These comparisons have gone on all of Carlyn’s life and yet all she ever wanted was for her Daddy to love her for who she is.

She finally found a way to get her father to sit up and take notice of her and it is at the expense of her family.  My ex-husband is still looking for ways to control me and he found that by offering our youngest daughter to live with our oldest daughter it was a fine way to keep me under control.  During the process my oldest daughter has dis-owned me and has said some really awful things to me and about me.  This hurts quite a bit and she is building a huge amount of resentment between us.  But the worst thing that she has done to date is to turn my youngest daughter against me and made me the bad guy.  No one wins in divorce but there really never should be a good guy and a bad guy.

My youngest daughter and I had a truly wonderful relationship up until last July when she had been offered the opportunity to live with her older sister.  Shannon and I used to laugh so hard sometimes that our faces would hurt and our stomachs would ache.  We would spend tons of time together sometimes camping or hiking or just sitting around talking at home.  And now she won’t even talk to me after 6 short months with her sister Carlyn.

How does a parent set this right?  How does a parent not hate their child for doing something so horrible as to divide a family to accomplish their own goal?  Regardless of who she hurts.  Although I love my oldest daughter and my youngest daughter I am so very sad and hurt but they have left me no choice but to allow them to walk out of my life.  I vowed when I left their father no one would hurt me like this again and yet I have allowed my 2 daughters to abuse me in the same fashion that their father used to.  I gave them life~I owe them nothing.  Such a short, simple sentence and yet one of the hardest things for a mother to say.

I will survive this too but right now I just hurt.